MY UTILIKILT
I was born to be in a cold, damp environment. My paternal grandfather came from Newcastle, a hardy and apparently unpleasant man who never graduated from the eighth grade but was brazen and intent enough to end up leading 1200-man crews as they poured concrete to create Rykers Island Penitentiary over a two-year period (not to mention all the subways of Brooklyn).
In his youth he was such a good soccer player that he came to America to play for $100 a game, and although he was of short stature, he had the kind of backside and thighs that enabled him to run unendingly in the course of playing his beloved football. For good or ill, I’ve inherited his massive lower body and relatively underdeveloped upper body. This enabled me to be a functional football player in high school, but left me completely fashionless. In ever widening middle age, what used to be chiseled, large buttocks became simply large, and the thighs that necessitated the purchase of pants several waist sizes bigger than I needed are somehow not as romantic as they were twenty years ago as my waist has caught up with my lower body.
Because of my anatomy I came to the stunning realization that the only thing I ever felt comfortable in were pre-Michael Jordan shorts, the ones that were more than 2/3 of the way up your thigh, the ones that made Bruce Jenner look somewhat sexual preference ambiguous. I thought they actually looked relatively good on my bizarrely disproportionate lower body, emphasizing the best aspects (the muscles) while somehow minimizing the more problematic aspect of my larger than normal backside. I wore, and wear, shorts at least ten months out of the year in the New England breezes. I ascribe this to the fact that many generations ago, a group of people I’m genetically linked to spent most of their days up to their chests in peat bogs harvesting the fuel that enabled them to survive the depressing Newcastle winters.
Three years ago an engineer of a building of mine introduced me to a unique concept – a kilt made from Carhart-esque tough canvas that he helicopter skied in. It’s called a “Utilikilt” - a combination of nail apron and kilt, it’s made for those who find that normal pants bind them in every possible direction, especially when working. Whereas the pieces of classic work pants of the same material are simply laid over each other and combined with various rivets and stitching, the Utilikilt is lovingly pleated and has enough snaps over its unbelievably heavy frame to make one feel that no amount of bending, stretching, or working will ever pop the kilt off any girth, no matter how ample. Additionally, the variety of pockets, hooks, and loops allow for a functional versatility that no traditional kilt can come close to.
Having said that, I seldom wear my Utilikilt. It’s just too thought provoking for those who don’t share my genetic background. When I do wear it (typically at celebrations, weddings, gatherings, etc.) it’s a never ending source of hysterical delight to those who at first think I’m vaguely cross-dressing but then come to realize that I am indeed a manly man, but a manly man who simply must run free.
If you want to see a Utilikilt, simply go to www.utilikilt.com and see what they’re about.
